Getting Unstuck (A Grasshopper's Message)

    My circumstance had me laying on my back, staring up at the wall. Drowning in my own tears and soaking in cold sweat. I had been having this nagging unresolved issue hiding in the depths of darkness and confusion for years. Finally the light came on, and what felt like Elm St., but no Freddy Krueger. I had been having the worst luck in dating and could not figure out why. So I broke out a pen a pad and wrote out what I knew for as patterns. The 1st checkbox was the knowledge that everything is co-created. Box 2 I was a strong independent type. Box 3 I like to be in control. Box 1 needed no further examination, but Box 2 and 3...um... uh oh we need to dig deeper with those boxes before I dug myself into a grave.  I knew I played my part because everything we experience is co-created, but I couldn't see why I was creating this discomfort for myself. Now I knew that a controlling strong woman’s counterpart would naturally be a controlling mate. Hey, we attract what we are. I got that part, but I kept feeling like there was a missing component. For even though I knew of my demanding ways I felt as if I had overly compromised myself (sold myself out in some way). What I realized is that both statement are true.

 

      Then it hit, smacked and punched me, I was terrified of freedom... Now that shit sounds crazy to accept as my reality, for I am the same person that would travel across the world starting projects by myself, so how could this be? I realized that I had secret! My secret was I found control flattering, sexy and special; no matter if I was on the receiving or giving side. I took note to how I felt when a man will tell me that my pussy was his. I took note of how I felt when a man will get so jealous that he would fly off the handle. I noticed that in every circumstances I was flattered because I felt wanted, needed and desired. Its funny to admit this because the feminist aspect of myself is bubbling up like hot popcorn just thinking about this.  The truth was (I liked to be controlled just as much as I like to control).

 

      I noticed in my times of  total freedom I have been utterly miserable. Remembering a time a dated 2 guys at once, both of my control freak mates decided to do their own thing. I thought I would be relieved but I wasn’t. I thought I would be partying it up like a man that was locked up for ten years, but I wasn’t. Instead, I've been acting like my two best friends died and in honor of their memory I must cry and grieve every day. Fucking crazy I know, but this is my truth.

 

      Both of these men are uncompromising, unwavering in thought but I subconsciously interpreted that for strength. I now see how my endless complaining about these men was all just a big Broadway show audition for a woman I know I should be but... not... quite yet there. I now see how my need to be desired caused me to sacrifice my freedom. I get that "domination" is not the only way to be desired, but from the world I came from, it was the only way that was expressed. Now is the time as a collective to find new ways of expression. I woke up and really woke up to this new perspective of self. Will you do the same? - High Priestess Epiphany    

 

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Your Sexual Shame Is Killing You